Before and After

Yesterday one of my friends did something amazing.  We were sitting on the bus (school bus as we’re coaches for the Academic Bowl team – hello nerd herd!) and she said “Oh!  I have a surprise for you!”  After a few seconds of digging through her bag she pulled out a photo and I gasped.  It was a picture she’d taken just last school year.  I could even remember the instance.  What I hadn’t remembered is how I looked.

In a word…. I looked puffy.

w-o-w

It’s a picture of a picture so the quality is quite poor but I think you can get enough of an idea here.  I looked horrible.  I even remember thinking at the time what a nice picture of me it was.

My friend said when she saw it, she gasped.  For those who see me on a day to day basis (like myself), it’s hard to really notice the difference.  This picture is currently priceless.  I can’t get over the changes in my face alone… or how my arms in this photo seem to be floating on something with the way they’re sort of fanned out from my body… I keep wondering if my arms are simply resting on the arm rests of the chair or if there is so much fat there that they’re being lifted from my body.  Who knows?

this is like my favorite photo of all time

Now I’m posting a current photo which you’ve seen before just to show the contrast.  I originally tried to show a photo of me holding the old photo in front of me but that’s just impossible with my phone so you’ll have to look at this photo again…which by now everyone must know is my favorite photo of me in the entire world.  I should probably stop using it for everything but I likely won’t.

So yeah, I love the difference in these photos.  I keep looking at it and it’s certainly motivating… and since we all love motivation (and pictures… admit it) I thought I’d share.

Yet Another Search Term That Cracks Me Up

The latest term someone searched to find my blog?

saggy butts pencil test

I know I referenced that in a post not so long ago so it’s not as funny as say naked asian chicks which is usually what brings people to my blog (oh how they  must be disappointed).  It still cracks me up though.

Getting Serious

My body hates me right now.  In return, I hate it back.  I’m so tired of not being able to do my running because of my back and yes, I realize taking a couple of weeks off might be just what the doctor ordered, except… I kinda already did that in the tail end of January and nothing got better.  Currently my body hates me because of Saturday.  I had to do my third work out at Curves for the week since I woke up late on Friday and decided not to go in.  No biggie except it’s Saturday and I still need to get 3 miles in of running before Sunday night is over or I’ll be behind on my February goal.  Three miles is easy you say?  Yep, it used to me.  Since my back got all buggered up though I’ve been doing no more than two since at the tail end of two my back is starting to groan.

So… Saturday marked the first time I did both Curves and running in a day.  Whew did that kick my butt!  I mean it.  My body basically wanted to know WTF I was thinking.  I did struggle through and made the two miles I had wanted to make and I felt good…. until I later went and sat through Avatar (fantastic movie).  Movie theater seats mixed with the Curves and the running meant I couldn’t hardly move when I returned home.  I did the best I could with ice and massaging the muscles as best I could but man it was agony.  Luckily I woke up Sunday much, much better… but not stupid enough to run the remaining mile I need to run to get caught up.  Right… so I start today a mile behind.  I might not make my goal and I might want to ask myself why I made such a stupid goal in the first place when my back is so bad right now.

Other than the back… working out twice in one day was sort of fantastic.   My glutes ached all day yesterday and my body was genuinely tired.  It’s times like those when I realize I am taking it rather easy with my workouts… and that’s ok with me.  I don’t want to invest more time in them as I don’t think I’d be able to maintain that forever.  Once in a while is one thing…. all the time is another.

Now, for the other reason my body hates me?  My IT band wants to kill me… or at the very least cause me enough pain so I hobble around and fall down some stairs.  I’ve known something was getting tight and I even figured it out a couple of weeks ago that my IT band must be the problem.  What I didn’t know is how hard it is to stretch the darned thing.  Seriously… I can’t get a decent stretch on it to save my life.  I’ve tried nearly every stretch I can find on the internet, a few my chiropractor gave to me and still I’m just not feeling it.  I mean, you’d think it’d be easy to stretch with it being so tight, yes?  Not so much.  I found a couple which seem to hit it ok and have watched a couple of youtube videos about working it out on a foam roller (which looks incredibly painful because I KNOW how much it’s going to hurt… I mean, I can’t even poke myself gently in the side of my hip without it hurting like mad and they want me to roll on the roller? OUCH).  It should be interesting as I really need to get it less tight.  It’s at the point now where my hip hurts over 50% of my waking day.

Who’d have ever thought I’d be beating my body up this much just for the chance to work out?  Who’d have thought I’d be so into running that I’m angry I can’t do it and frustrated I might not make my February goal?  Definitely not me.  I have to wonder though if there’s a point at which I’ll have to choose something else.  Surely it will be a disappointing day but at what point will I give up the running?  The answer is I’m not sure and I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

On a different note.  On Friday I finally broke down and ordered some powdered peanut butter.

I can’t help it.  I love peanut butter so much and this stuff is so low in calories.  Lots of reviews say it tastes great and I just HAD to try it.  My first choice wasn’t FitNutz but my first choice also charged an outrageous amount for shipping so I kept looking and found FitNutz.  They sell a no sugar added version, chunky and a pro version also but I started with the regular.  Better go with the most basic first and see how I like it.  If I do like it…. look out world… I’m going to be rolling in the peanut butter!  I can’t wait for it to come in and I will definitely let you know how it is when I get it!!!

It’s Not About That…

After losing 50 lbs, people are starting to notice.  Most people noticed after 30 lbs, but there are a few people who just now are saying to me “Hey… have you lost a little bit of weight?”

Really?  I mean, I kind of want to say “No, I’ve lost a shitload of weight and you’re incredibly unobservant.”

I refrain only because I know my weight loss has been the center of my world for 8 months now and when people just now begin to notice… it reminds me that I’m not the center of everyone’s world. (But I should be!  Actually, no, that would just be creepy.)

not me... but it COULD be me one day

My chiropractor’s husband (I go to a husband-wife team and I usually go to the wife but a few times lately I’ve been to the husband for sake of ease and speed and I like him just as well) has recently noticed my weight loss.  I attribute it to him noticing a colossal change in the size of my ass from the last time I was on his adjusting table.  Then came the inevitable question, “Have you lost weight?”  I reply yes and he asks how much and I tell him “45″ (at the time).  His stunned silence was pretty gratifying.  Of course his “You’re messing with me” comment was also pretty gratifying.  It’s not often people really grasp how much weight 45 lbs is and I didn’t even really grasp it myself and so it’s pretty cool when someone is absolutely floored.  (I prefer to see it this way rather than the other possibility of – this fatty actually could do something to lose the weight?  Woah.)

So yeah, this is when he begins to work on my back and mentions how screwed up it is.  I really don’t know how I did what I did and I do know that the running wasn’t helping it and so he and I had a talk about stretches I could do and sent me on my way.  My back is getting better….slowly.  Yesterday I ended up seeing my chiropractor’s husband again and he wasn’t pleased with how tight my lower back still was, even though it was markedly better.  He began to talk to me about switching to an elliptical machine.  I tried to explain to him how I didn’t WANT to do the elliptical even though he says it kicks his ass AND he loses more weight with it.  It’s not about it making me lose weight.  Running is about me conquering something I thought I could never do.  I don’t think he really got it.  I mean, he seems to think I’m doing it solely for the purpose of losing weight.  If this were the case I think I’d have quit long ago and so I just tried to explain how my exercise is a mental game with me.  Maybe it’s just the way I explained it – muffled into the sanitation paper on the adjustment table – but he didn’t seem to get it.  I mean, sure the elliptical would be better for me considering the state of my back… but the running is so much more than me trying to get in shape or me trying to lose weight.  Running is me proving to myself that all the things I used to think about myself were wrong.  Those of you who have ever had a lot of weight to lose probably know exactly what I’m talking about.  Heck, most of you out there probably know the kinds of things I’m talking about… we all think those awful things about ourselves and we all defeat ourselves in our minds.  Running, for me, is proving myself wrong and changing the mental perception I have of myself.  It doesn’t matter that I struggle.  If I didn’t struggle, it wouldn’t be making the difference in me that it is.

I like the struggle.  I’m loving the journey.  I’ve also somehow turned into one of those crazy people who beat their body up in order to exercise? (Really?  Seriously?  Not really possible, right?)

All I know is I came home last night and ran my fastest mile yet.  I’m totally going to hold myself to that time from now on, too.

Take THAT elliptical machine!

Old Habits Die Hard

I’m stressed.  I know I am.  It’s awful, really.

I keep trying to make progress but I simply seem to keep gaining and losing the same pound over and over again.  It’s a bit defeating.  It’s a bit annoying.  It’s also a bit eye opening.

During this time, all of my former bad habits have come back to haunt me.  I want to eat.  I want to eat junk food.  I want it so badly I can almost feel the endorphin rush I’d get from diving into a bag of cheddar cheese chex mix, or drowning my sorrows in a box of whoppers.  (I managed to avoid the first, did not manage to avoid the second.)  It’s hard when these things sing to me like a siren song I can’t resist.  Of course I want to feel better.  Of course I want to forget all my troubles.  Of course I want to taste the yummy, crunchy or chocolatey goodness.  Of course… I also don’t want to gain my weight back.

I fight each battle as it comes… convincing myself to just say no.  It’s a drug, no doubt about it.  Maybe the food itself isn’t the drug… but the endorphin release the food causes most certainly is.  I want my endorphins.  I want to feel better, even if just for a few minutes.  Telling myself I don’t need it seems to go against everything I am.  I mean, I’m not supposed to want for myself to be happy?  Really?

Luckily I know the difference between instant gratification and long-term health.  Unfortunately, even knowing this… even after losing 50 lbs and working darned hard to do so…. even after all that… I sometimes fail.  This is why I keep going up and down like a yo-yo on the scale.  At least it’s just with a pound.  However, with this yo-yo effect, I feel some of the control slipping and it scares me.  Now is the time when I need to be more resilient than ever and now is the time when I need to increase my efforts.  If I need endorphins… why don’t I just exercise to get them?  Oh right, my bad back.  It’s sooooo frustrating.

I did quite poorly over the weekend.

I will do better this week.  I will regain control and I will stop even considering the junk food which calls my name.  I am not someone who needs crap food to get my endorphin fix.

I’ve Lost…. What???!!!

So… this probably isn’t the post you’d expect from me seeing as how I’ve been complaining about not being totally on the wagon lately… but see, these days, even when I’m OFF the wagon… I’m still kind of on it, just not as on it as I’d like to be.  And so… without further postponement….

I’ve lost 50 lbs as of this morning.

When I hit 40 lbs, it seemed unreal, 45 lbs seemed even MORE unreal, and now 50 just seems impossible.  I mean, 50 lbs is astronomical.  How did *I* do THAT?  Me.  You know, the girl who can’t lose weight?  The girl who gains weight at the drop of a hat?  How did I manage to lose 50 lbs?  Believe me, I checked about 4 or 5 times (ok ok, maybe more and maybe only because I liked seeing the number).  It’s not like I’ve reached my goal, there is still another pound to go for that (you know, for that nice and even 175).  Even then, I keep saying I still want to lose more weight, it’s just that I’ll be upping my calories and losing more slowly.  But still, there is something about being able to say that I’ve lost 50 lbs which makes me get all… giddy.  I feel like I might just be a member of some elite club.

So, as I’m currently unable to take any real progress pictures of myself (no one to man the camera, you see) I’ve googled some images of 50 lbs.

Part of me is like... seriously? That's way more than I lost.

Here is 50 lbs of sugar which I pulled from someone else’s blog.  It’s a lot of sugar and yet it doesn’t really sink in for me here.  I mean, sure… it’s sugar so it doesn’t really match the bulk of 50 lbs and my mind says my fat was way less bulky than that.  Sooo, I kept looking and came up with the following gem from yet another blog.

that's donna, who apparently lost 50 lbs also. way to go donna!

This one speaks to me a little bit more.  It’s actual fat and I can actually envision it on my body.  I can picture where it used to be and sometimes, when I catch myself off guard in the mirror, I can see the difference between myself “back then” and myself now and yeah, I know exactly where all that fat used to be.  Also… I don’t miss any of it.  It can stay gone.

Other than the 50 lbs, I do have other news.  I finally completed a run last night!  I wasn’t sure how far I’d be able to go with my back and all, but I made it through 2 miles which is further than I’ve gone in quite some time.  Also, I could have gone on but my back really started to hurt on the last leg of the second mile and so I decided not to push it.  I think it might have been one of my best runs….ever.  I tried something new.  I’ve been running the first mile at my new “faster” pace and then slowing down to my old pace for the second mile.  Last night, however… I did 5 minutes at my old pace and then 5 minutes at my new pace and continued to do this until I’d reached just a bit over 2 miles (yeah, because I had to stop at an even amount of time because I’m like that).  It went so well.  I mean, I didn’t get bored like I usually do on the treadmill and the miles seemed to fly by (well, if you ask ME and not my back).  I just might keep on doing this unless anyone out there has a reason I shouldn’t?

So there.  I’m feeling pretty darned good today!  Wahoo!

The Sweet(s) Life

You know, I’ve always got the best of intentions.  I always mean to do the right thing.  Lately though, I just don’t have the determination and drive I used to.  Yeah, I’m sure everyone is getting really tired of hearing me whine lately and so I’ll just get straight to the point:  I ate cookies yesterday, and a brownie, and an oatmeal cream pie.  I know, right?  I mean, any one of those things would have been just fine (well, if I’d have kept it to one)… but all of them?  Seriously?  Am I absolutely ridiculous or what?

ohhh, I am

Again, the best of intentions… I coach an academic bowl team and the other coach and I decided to treat our kids to some treats before our match yesterday… mainly because we had an early dismissal and then the poor kids had to come BACK to school just an hour and a half later.  How sucky was that?  So I baked brownies and brought oatmeal cream pies (because by the time I got home Tuesday evening I didn’t have time to bake 2 pans of brownies) and the other coach made a couple of types of cookies (break and bake, don’t go thinking she upstaged me).

Again, it’s like I have absolutely no control right now.  At my usual snack time I reached for an oatmeal cream pie.  Why?  Because it was there.  Mmmhmm.  At lunch, I reached for a brownie.  Why?  Because it was there.  Yep.  When the kids were eating their snacks, I reached for the cookies… 3 different times… Why?  Because they were there.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I’m not going to continue to beat myself over the head about this but I am really disappointed.  Luckily, there are no more sweets laying around.  I should be unable to eat any cookies, brownies, oatmeal cream pies, regular pie, or anything else today.  Thank goodness I don’t buy that kind of crap to keep at home!  Shockingly enough, the scale was not up this morning and I’m hoping to keep it that way by returning to running this evening.  I’ve got a nice and slow, but long run planned.  Hopefully my back holds up as I plan on stopping the moment it starts hurting.  It does me no good to keep injuring it.  (Ok, what I really mean is I’m going to stop as soon as it starts hurting AND I’ve run at least a mile.)

In the meanwhile, I’m starting to wonder about my caving in to all this sugar.  What is it about me right now that makes it nearly impossible for me to say no to a cookie?  There are honestly times when I don’t crave sugar in any other form that fruit… and then it’ll swing back the other way and I’ll crave ice cream (my usual downfall) like there’s no tomorrow.  I’m not sure if stress just triggers my desire to eat (well, yes it does, duh but I mean sugar specifically) or I’m just feeling self-indulgent because I’m all mopey.  Who knows?

Success and Motivation in Various Forms

So this morning at Curves Ms. Size Zero was there (and I say this in the nicest way possible and only because I’ve given her this nickname for so long now) and so I mentioned I’d lost 32.5 inches and could she please move my foot from the one foot lost spot on the wall to the 2 feet lost spot on the wall?  She’s pretty thrilled with my progress and mentioned I should give her some before photos so she can submit my story to Diane magazine (which Curves puts out).  Talk about feeling good, you know?  While I doubt I”ll get selected, it’s nice that someone feels I’ve done well enough to be submitted for such a thing.  It’s nice seeing my name in the 2 feet lost spot on the wall, it really feels like an accomplishment.  I worked so hard to get to the 2 foot mark because I felt for sure it would be difficult for me to lose more than that… and here I am only 3.5 inches away from 3 feet.  I can totally do that!

the photos never do anything justice

Aaaand, the other reason I feel so fantastic today is…. I bought some new work out pants last night (it becomes a problem when one spends most of one’s time running holding up one’s pants).  When I tried them on this morning I was super thrilled and how nicely they showed off my bum.  Yeah, I know… vanity is pretty unattractive… but you don’t understand, I’ve never had an attractive bum… I remember being in high school and reading some article about “do you have a saggy butt?” and it had some test you could do with a pencil.  I didn’t even bother to take THAT test because I already knew the results… especially when my first reaction was “waiiiit, there are butts that do that??”

So, I’ve been getting compliments on my bum lately and it’s made me feel really good.  The picture just doesn’t do it any justice but it’s also a nice photo because, well, I look pretty skinny in it!  So I guess you can call this a progress pic, try to stare at my bum (perv) and then end up shrugging your shoulders and saying “oh hey, nice phone!”

I really needed the pick me up’s this morning as last night I spent an hour at the chiropractor trying to get my back straightened out.  I’ve had this bad spot in the middle of it for 2 weeks now and it’s really messing with my running performance.   They sent me home with this thingy (very scientific term) that zaps my back with little electric impulses which has actually already made a decent improvement.  (Also, you can see the case of said thingy sitting on my bathroom counter in the photo… thrilling, I know.)  I’m hoping I can get straightened out because I”m really beginning to worry about my running.  I so want to be able to complete that half marathon in May, but I’m not wanting to push my body too hard as I have so many issues.  I guess we shall see and if I don’t make it this year… there is always next year.

Seriously… this has gotta stop

Ugh.  I’m so disgusted with myself.

let's add over-eating and not exercising to this...

I meant to get back on plan yesterday.  I really did.  It just seems like my willpower is zilch right now.  To be honest, I had a bit of a rough day, my back was hurting so badly and even as I type this now (at 6:45 am) it’s already starting to hurt today.  Luckily I have the chiropractor tonight or I might go insane.  So, after a day of my back hurting with no relief and dealing with teenagers, I stepped out into the weather and totally hated it.  The wind was blowing like crazy, it was snowing, and it just made me want to go home and stay there… which would have been fine had I not decided to go to Curves yesterday instead of run.  I decided to run tonight, after the chiropractor in order to take it easy on my back.

Oh wait, let me back up and mention how I brought cookies for some of my kids yesterday.  A nice sentiment, yes?  And fine, I planned on having one.. it’s 180 calories and I had determined I would have a cookie with my kids instead of my ice cream after dinner and I’d only be up 30 calories.  No biggie.  Except I somehow managed to have two cookies.  Why?  Well… one set of kids I shared the cookies with was separate from another set… two occasions to have cookies… Yes?  No?   Like I said, my willpower is at zero.  I mean, I had stopped myself from having one until one of the kids said “aren’t you going to have one too?”  Yep, they twisted my arm… you saw it, right?  Ugh ugh ugh.

So when I got home I contemplated running instead of venturing outside and I just couldn’t bring myself to try it.  I knew it would hurt my back and I knew I’d be miserable and I knew I’d fall short of the distance I needed to go and I really don’t need another running failure right now.  I spent half an hour at home convincing myself I didn’t really NEED to go to Curves, that I could just run today and and call Monday a wash due to my back back and the icky weather.

Luckily I don’t listen to myself very well.  One of the things about Curves and why I don’t do well with at-home exercise videos is that, once I leave the house, I’m fairly committed to going and exercising.  It’s a beautiful thing.   Once at Curves I don’t stop halfway through the circuit, I do the entire thing.  At home I’ll become less than thrilled with a video (I don’t know why but they all seem dumb to me and never keep my attention) and just stop.  So, I knew all I’d have to do is get myself out the door and into my car and I’d complete a work out.  And that’s exactly what I did.

I’m not sure whether to call yesterday a success or a failure.  I mean, I did end up working out despite every attempt to sabotage myself… but I also scarfed down 2 cookies instead of the one I had budgeted.  Maybe it’s just a wash.  Maybe I’ll decide for myself after I have a fantastic run tonight (the power of positive thinking, right?  right?).  Maybe I need to go back to logging all the food I eat in a food journal and tighten my calories.  Maybe I need to sign up for an exercise class to put me in a sort of exercise boot camp for a bit.  Maybe I need a genuine kick in the rear…. anyone wanna come do that for me? (If you offer to do this… you are NOT my friend…. or are you?  Maybe if you’re excited to kick me in the rear you’re not my friend, but if you’re willing to do it despite not wanting to you’re a fantastic friend?)

My goals for today:  1.  Eat no cookies.  2. Eat no ice cream (should make up for the slip up yesterday)  3. Run 3 miles at whatever pace it takes to get the job done.  4.  Attempt the extraction of my head from my ass.

Stress vs. Success

I’ve totally been slacking off lately.  I know this and it’s bugging me but it’s also really hard to get back on track when I feel like I do.  The two main things suffering from my current state are: running and eating.  The running is killing me, I don’t have the drive right now to really push myself and even though I’ve increased my speed, my runs aren’t nearly as great as they should be.  I should be rocking them.  I should be pushing myself beyond belief and feeling fantastic when I find out I CAN.  It’s the finding out I can which has made the running addictive and great for me.  The past two weeks have really hit me hard in this department.  And then there’s the food…. I’m eating too much.  I’m not counting my calories carefully.  I’m not gaining weight but I’m sure not losing it either.  I need to get my head out of my ass and straighten up or I’m going to lapse into my old bad habits.

Maybe I’ll kick myself in the ass this week and perform like a rock star.  I sure hope so.

Of the few perks to my current separation from my husband (yeah.. that’s the icky stuff going on) one of them is my ability to eat vegetarian.  I’m totally loving every second of it.  I’ve become less and less thrilled with meat over the years and even more so over the past 7 months.  My grocery bill is sooo much cheaper right now.

yum!

Sooo, this is my second recipe out of my new cook book.  Noodles, carrot and snow peas with peanut sauce.  The peanut sauce was made much differently from what I usually make and it came out pretty good… not sure which one I like better as it’s hard to compare.  This dish was meant to be eaten cold but I decided to heat up the leftovers when I ate them and it was good either way.  I think I prefer it warm, really.

This week I’m trying a rice dish and we’ll see how that goes.

I’m about to run out of time here so I’m going to post this.  Wish me luck in getting back on track with the running and eating… I’m going to need it.