Dear Former Self,

I came across this picture again today… likely using the same search term I used two years ago when I saw this and started to cry.

I remember the postcard I made out of it to send into postsecret and what I wrote on the back for the secret.  I won’t share it with the world but I will say that I’ve at least turned things around for myself.

Former self, this brings me to the subject of this letter.  I’m angry with you.  I’m angry at all the living you let me pass up by feeling as though you were “too fat” to do things.  I’m angry you let yourself get so out of shape you never participated in activities enough to know if they were fun.

I’m angry you let so many people treat you so poorly as to give yourself such poor self esteem.

I wish I could go back in time, self, knowing what I know right now and make things right for you.  I want to go back to my 20’s and reclaim those years I spent being afraid to do the things I wanted to do.

I cannot go back in time.  What I can do is live my life the way I want to; the way I’ve always wanted to.

Self, I may not be the most confident person in the world, but I’m getting there.  I may be afraid to try new things and afraid of appearing dumb when I don’t know how to do something, but I’m attempting new things anyway and learning how to laugh at myself.

Also (and former self, you may find this hard to believe), I’m running.  I don’t run like the wind.  I don’t run effortlessly.  I don’t always enjoy it like crazy… but I run.  Sometimes, former self, when I run… I picture myself running away from you.  I don’t mean any offense but there are times when I feel as though everything you were was a prison.

Former self, I am not currently the thinnest person alive.  I am overweight, and the last time I weighed this much (little) I thought I was the fattest thing ever.  But there are differences now.  I exercise now.  My body is shaped differently now.  (The thighs, they taper… remember wondering how to get thighs that taper?)  I’m more capable now.  I’m more confident now.

It’s just that… well, I wish I didn’t feel like I’ve lost so much having spent so much of my past with you.