Just a bit of a disclaimer.  I wrote this post before digging through my old posts and finding the one I talk about (and let you read it) here. I decided this was still post-worthy though because, even though I’ve forgotten some of my fears – those fears, a lot of them are still with me and do come from a life time of weight struggle.  That being said, I AM super grateful for how far I’ve come and I am super glad I started doing my blast from the past posts so I can see how far I’ve come.  Anyway… here ya go.

In the movie Kill Bill there is this part where, when going after Lucy Liu’s character,  Uma Thurman kills a bunch of people and then there is this break when she’s killed them all.  After a second or so of silence the sound of approaching vehicles can be heard and Lucy Liu’s character smiles and says “You didn’t think it was going to be that easy, did you?”  And Uma Thurman’s character replies “You know for a second there, yeah, I kinda did.”

(I apologize if I butchered that, which I likely did.  You get the point though, yes?)

What does the above scene have to do with Shrinking Girl?  Oh… everything.  You see, I knew losing weight wasn’t just going to be a physical battle.  I knew it also would be a big mental battle.  Make that a huge mental battle.  Losing weight the right way means conquering many emotional/mental demons as well as overcoming physical discomfort time and time again.  It’s jus t that… I sort of didn’t realize there would be scars afterwards.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have scars from the WAY I lost weight.  I have scars left over from a lifetime of being overweight.  Heck, I’m still overweight now.  I’m just more active than ever before and with more confidence than ever before…which I think is why all of my scars are so visible to me.

Take, for example, my running.  I’m still wearing crap shoes.  Yep.  I picked my shoes out myself at Kohls people.  I’m sure they’re top notch running shoes, yes?  Riiiiight.  Why haven’t I gone to get fitted for running shoes which would likely cure most of what ails me when it comes to running?  Oh, it’s the part where they watch you run.  This means I need to run in a strange place and have someone watch that running.  I don’t care if it’s a 30 second run or a 20 minute run, I can’t handle the idea.  All I can think about is all the times I’ve walked into a store which sells athletic apparel, equipment, shoes, etc and seen the looks on the workers faces when I look serious about purchasing something.  The look says “yeah fatty, buy that why doncha, that way it can sit in your basement and never be used.”

Seriously, when the guy sold me my treadmill, I think he smirked about 25 times during the process.  He even mentioned they have high resale value.

So yeah, when it comes down to me running for some store employee (who no doubt is perfectly suited to their job and a nice person), all I can think is that they will be thinking “at the rate she runs, why doesn’t she just buy a walking shoe?”

This is just one of many examples of my scars.  When it comes right down to it, I get a bit paranoid/anxious/crazy whenever it comes down to doing something physical in front of other people.  There were just too many years and too many times when I couldn’t do it.  There were just too many times when people laughed when I failed.  There were just never any times when someone said “oh hey, that’s ok, you can work up to it and I’ll show you how.”  All I know in this arena is failure and those failures echo around me.  Sure, sales people might not snicker at me anymore, but I sure know they’re capable of it.

So yeah, losing weight was hard and I knew it would be hard.  I just wasn’t expecting to still have these fears about people watching/seeing me do physical things.  I wasn’t expecting to still expect people to make fun of me for my weight and physical ability (or lack thereof).  So yeah, the whole process has been hard but yeah, for a minute there, I thought it was going to be as easy as losing weight and having some physical successes in the exercise department.

Bummer

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