This would be the first time I’ve ever gone back to read my old posts.  As I approach the one-year mark I find myself trying to compare the me now and the me then.  This is pretty much a carbon copy of the original post.

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Breaking the fat mentality

As I journey to a different, hopefully thinner, but definitely healthier me, I keep running into…. myself.

First, and foremost, I still want to shove food in my mouth.  Now granted, I never actually SHOVED food in my mouth and I didn’t walk around constantly eating… but… There are times, random times, when I find myself thinking man it would be nice to just grab a bag of chips and sit down in front of the computer again. The urge to do so is very compelling, I literally must talk myself out of it.  I have to convince myself that “one more time” is the opposite of good for me.

I also catch myself freaking out.  Things like… Cookies!  What about cookies!  What about cookie dough? I used to make cookies and eat about 10 of them in a day – and that’s a low estimate.  there is some inner part of me panicking about not being able to indulge… well no… not being able to over-indulge.  I’m left to wonder… what the heck am I holding on to?

The other thing.. I’m still scared of exercise.  I’m scared I can’t do it.  Every time I start a Curves work out I push down the fear that rises as I survey how much I have to do and I start focusing and telling myself I CAN do it.  The same thing happens as I head out the door to my Couch Potato to 5k session.  I begin to panic.  What if I can’t do it?  What if it’s too hard?  Again, I have to push it aside… and press forward.

It saddens me, really.  Here I am, eating right and exercising and my old desires and fears – who I used to be – are fighting against me.

I’ve been calling it my “fat mentality” and I’ve begun to realize breaking it is going to take time, patience and perseverance.

I can only say no to overeating one urge at a time.

I can only prove I can accomplish the exercise by plowing forward and doing it.

There is no magic formula, no pill, no mantra, no shortcut.  Breaking my fat mentality is going to take time and effort, but I must do it.

I can do it.

I will do it.

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It’s funny what a year will do and what a year won’t do. I don’t find myself wanting to sit down in front of the computer with a bag of chips anymore.  I do find myself wanting to snack, but not as mindlessly as I used to want to.  In my mind when I wrote this post I just felt so regimented with calorie counting and now I’m just in a better place with it… it’s not as strict as I used to be, I’m not fighting the urge to consume mass quantities of food all the time (still have the urge, still do it occasionally, but nothing like when I wrote this post).  It’s funny that I’m redoing the C25K at a speed which I thought I could never do now and so I have a lot of the same fears each time I go for a run now… “can I make it?”  However, I must say my mentality with exercise is much better.  I’m no longer so quick to quit when the going gets tough, in fact, I like the tough going to a certain extent.  I am more likely to quit because I don’t want to overdo it, because my back hurts, or because my body feels “funny.”

And the cookies?  Meh.  They’re never as good as I want them to be.  I don’t think I could eat 10 in a day now unless they were the ultimate divine cookie… and I’m not sure that cookie exists.

So yeah, I’ve changed since this post.  I still fight against myself (and my laziness).  I still have doubts and fears and urges to be unhealthy but… I can safely say, these negative things are so much less than they were a year ago…. which is pretty darned awesome!

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