I’ve been spending some time this morning thinking about being naked.

for lack of wanting to post actual naked photos...

I don’t remember how long ago it was that I began to feel more comfortable in my skin, that feeling of being sexy again and enjoying (for the most part) what I saw in the mirror when I actually dressed myself up and made an effort.  I can remember a specific moment though, shortly after buying my first pair of size 16 jeans in more years than I care to try and count.  I threw on the jeans though they were a bit too snug and paired it with this fantastic black sweater I’d bought the year before and which hung on me in just the right fashion.  As I looked in the mirror I remembered thinking I looked good.  I also remember realizing it had been years since I’d thought that about myself.  Oh sure there were times over the past several years when I thought I looked nice, maybe even moderately attractive, but I always knew I didn’t look GOOD.  Looking in the mirror that day was another milestone.

Those size 16 jeans and black sweater are both too large now to be worn with any degree of seriousness.  The black sweater has been tossed into the bins of old clothes I’m hanging on to “just in case” and the jeans have taken a bit of a permanent residence on my closet shelf.  I’ve worn them a bit but they slide down and don’t flatter me at all (but we all need those lazy Saturday/Sunday jeans for cleaning house…yes?).  As I began to slip out of a size 16 and into the 14 I am now, the feelings I have about my body have continued to change.  As time continues to move onward I find myself enjoying my body.  I may never have been one of those very large girls who rocked their curves, but I am finding I enjoy my size 14 body.  I like the curves I have right now and the way I look in my clothes….

But, more importantly, I like the way I look naked.  It’s not as though I’ve spent time standing in front of the mirror naked (ok, not a LOT of time) but it’s more of a feeling.  I don’t run into my clothes the moment I step out of the shower.  I walk around the house in my underwear trying to find the pants I want to wear that day rather than putting on sweatpants to do the same thing.  In essence, I’ve become comfortable in my own skin.  Now granted, I don’t know for certain how far this comfort will go.  I don’t want to parade naked in front of people.  I’m also sure the moment I don a swimsuit and try to go out in public I’ll have the same feelings of insecurity and inferiority I’ve always had.  I’m not sure though.

So… while I’m beginning to really enjoy feeling comfortable in my own skin, I’m also wondering how this will translate into my every day life.  Will it make me more confident?  Will I be more outgoing?  Will I suddenly turn into the person I’ve always wanted to be?  It will be interesting to see how many of my social hangups were due to my weight… or are really just a part of who I am.  (Though I suppose it could be argued who I am was shaped by my being overweight.)

As for now… I think I’m beginning to understand how to rock these curves.

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