I’m stressed.  I know I am.  It’s awful, really.

I keep trying to make progress but I simply seem to keep gaining and losing the same pound over and over again.  It’s a bit defeating.  It’s a bit annoying.  It’s also a bit eye opening.

During this time, all of my former bad habits have come back to haunt me.  I want to eat.  I want to eat junk food.  I want it so badly I can almost feel the endorphin rush I’d get from diving into a bag of cheddar cheese chex mix, or drowning my sorrows in a box of whoppers.  (I managed to avoid the first, did not manage to avoid the second.)  It’s hard when these things sing to me like a siren song I can’t resist.  Of course I want to feel better.  Of course I want to forget all my troubles.  Of course I want to taste the yummy, crunchy or chocolatey goodness.  Of course… I also don’t want to gain my weight back.

I fight each battle as it comes… convincing myself to just say no.  It’s a drug, no doubt about it.  Maybe the food itself isn’t the drug… but the endorphin release the food causes most certainly is.  I want my endorphins.  I want to feel better, even if just for a few minutes.  Telling myself I don’t need it seems to go against everything I am.  I mean, I’m not supposed to want for myself to be happy?  Really?

Luckily I know the difference between instant gratification and long-term health.  Unfortunately, even knowing this… even after losing 50 lbs and working darned hard to do so…. even after all that… I sometimes fail.  This is why I keep going up and down like a yo-yo on the scale.  At least it’s just with a pound.  However, with this yo-yo effect, I feel some of the control slipping and it scares me.  Now is the time when I need to be more resilient than ever and now is the time when I need to increase my efforts.  If I need endorphins… why don’t I just exercise to get them?  Oh right, my bad back.  It’s sooooo frustrating.

I did quite poorly over the weekend.

I will do better this week.  I will regain control and I will stop even considering the junk food which calls my name.  I am not someone who needs crap food to get my endorphin fix.