Wow.  I must admit Thanksgiving ended up being an eye opener for me.  All of my practiced ways of eating nearly flew out the door and I definitely didn’t manage to stick to my plan.  I am happy to report, however, that I did manage to not go hog wild.

This was my first holiday since beginning this journey and so my old habits came back to haunt me big time.  My plans were to prioritize my food.  I wouldn’t take the things which didn’t really appeal to me and I would have dessert but would try to be smart about it.  I didn’t necessarily want to deprive myself, but I didn’t want to splurge on things which didn’t really matter to me.  Obviously food is an emotional thing for me and eating is something my family does best, so when we get together, there is just so much yummy food around.  Yummy, not necessarily healthy.  I did ok and I don’t necessarily want to go into detail about every meal.  I’m sure the foods I ate are really only interesting to me.

There is a moment I wish to discuss and this is the moment which really hit home for me.  At my third Thanksgiving (mmhmm, third), the one I made most of the food for, I had this moment where I realized how much things have changed for me and how far I have yet to go.  The meal was over, the dessert had been served and people were lazily munching on the relish tray, the cheese tray, some chips and salsa someone had brought, you know… the munchies.  Without thinking I went to stand by the herd of grazers, you know, to get my fair share of the munchies.  As I stood there, trying to figure out what I wanted to put in my mouth first, I realized I shouldn’t eat anything.  I mean, I’d just had a huge meal complete with dessert and no part of me was hungry in any way… so normally I wouldn’t touch food.  But you see, for years half the fun of holiday gatherings would be the grazing and the munching afterwards.

I’ll admit I stood at the kitchen counter looking at the food and having a sort of inner discussion for quite some time.  In the end, I didn’t munch on anything.  Sure, I wanted to, but only for the sake of putting food in my mouth… not because of any hunger.  Had I been hungry, I’d have eaten something; since I wasn’t, I didn’t.  This decision did not come without some bitterness.  It’s not that I felt deprived, I just felt… (insert some emotion here I can’t quite describe).

Changes are never easy, especially when it comes to food, dieting, and weight loss.  I’m happy I was aware enough of my actions to stop the mindless putting of food in my mouth, but it does highlight the need for another activity to take it’s place.  If my family gathers around the holidays and we celebrate mostly with food, it sure seems like I’m going to need to replace my grazing and munching with another activity.  I need another focus, something different to concentrate on.  I don’t know if I’ll find one and I’m certainly not going to try to change the habits of my family, pushing people into things just usually isn’t the way to accomplish anything… But I am worried about Christmas.  Christmas has what, 10x the munchies and goodies?  Doesn’t everyone do their Christmas baking?  Isn’t Christmas the season of food-pushing?

I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time, do my best, and not beat myself up when I fall into old patterns.  If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.  Right?