Archive for September, 2009

The Art of Hiding

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking ever since I read this post.  It would seem that I’ve been hiding behind my weight for as long as I can remember.

  • Back in high school I didn’t have a boyfriend because I was overweight.
  • In college, guys didn’t like me because I was overweight.
  • I didn’t try out for sports because I was overweight.
  • I didn’t go on certain outings with my friends because I was overweight.
  • I couldn’t dress stylishly because I was overweight.

The list could go on, those are just the first and easiest ones to think of at this moment.  My point being that I blamed a lot of things on my weight… not the least of which was a lack of participation in activities other people were doing.  Sports?  No way!  Camping with a group of people who plan to do some hiking?  Absolutely not!  I blamed my lack of a boyfriend on being overweight. So what happens if I one day find myself no longer overweight?

I ask this because I’m beginning to see how incredibly unlikely it is that I’ll suddenly become some other person.  I will not gain a ridiculous amount of confidence, walking into a new situation will still terrify me.  I will still be afraid of embarrassing myself or making a fool of myself; being a normal weight will not change that.  It’s been super easy to hide behind my weight.  Overweight people are a scapegoat for many things and it’s very easy to fall into the pattern of being a victim.

I recently contemplated signing up for a martial arts class.  It’s something I’ve always wanted to do but never have…. because I’m overweight.  I always thought it would look rather ridiculous if I showed up somewhere to learn martial arts obviously out of shape and out of tune with my body.  So I’ve lost a little bit of weight and I’m feeling great… and I begin to wonder… maybe I should take that class.  I toss it around in my head for a couple of days and then I dismiss it.  Why?  I’m overweight.  It got me wondering exactly how much weight I’d need to lose before I felt comfortable attending such a class and the answer wasn’t what I had hoped it would be.  There is nothing that will make attending a martial arts class less intimidating, nerve wracking and/or gut wrenching.  I will always be afraid I cannot do it.  I will always be afraid I look ridiculous.  I just won’t have my weight to hide behind as an excuse.

The revelation is both empowering and depressing.  It’s empowering because I now know I’m hiding and I don’t have to hide any more.  I can free myself from the cycle and begin doing the many things I’ve always thought I’d like to do “if only.”  On the other hand, I’m now well I’ve been hiding.  The questions are now: Why am I hiding?  Why am I so insecure?  Why aren’t I confident enough to just do it?  The answer may be cyclical, I may decide I’m all those things because I’ve been overweight my entire life and it’s shaped me.  Even if that is just one of many reasons, it still means I ultimately need to re-shape myself on the inside as well as the outside.  I still need to get to the bottom of why I am the way I am.  I can fix the outside, I can eat better food, I can lose the weight, I can reprogram myself to not over eat, but can I form a person I like?  Can I form myself into a confident, self-assured person?

I sure hope so.


I’ve Earned My Foot

This morning I took the printouts Ms. Computer-Illiterate had given me back to Curves to ask Ms. Size Zero for correct ones.  It wasn’t so much that I needed a correct print out, it’s just the principle of the matter.  I mean, why on earth would I suddenly have a date from 2004 on my printout?  And can I please have a sheet that doesn’t tell me I’ve lost every single inch on my body?  Seriously.  The other reason I did it though is to have my accomplishment recognized.

You see at Curves, when you lose a foot, you earn a foot…. a foot on the wall with your name on it anyway.

So Saturday Ms. Computer-Illiterate hadn’t even mentioned my foot and I have to admit, I totally expected it to be on the wall when I got there this morning… but it wasn’t.  There are feet all over the wall and gosh darn it, I want MINE!  So yeah, after Ms. Size Zero plugged in my numbers and gave me my correct print out she congratulated me on losing a foot in inches and said I was nearly halfway to the two foot mark.  WooHoo!  And, in addition to my foot on the wall I got a free water bottle with the Curves logo on it.  Totally neat!  I love free stuff!

I will take pictures of the chart and the water bottle at a later date.  I’m even considering taking my camera into Curves and taking a snapshot of my foot for everyone to see.  Yay me!

Woop Whoop!

So…. I thought I’d have a weigh-in at Curves which wasn’t botched.  Unfortunately, that isn’t exactly the case.  While the measurements were fantastic the print out is a little messed up but I intend on asking for a corrected one when I go on Tuesday.  So, you’ll have to wait to see the graphs/charts until I get one that makes sense to me.

You can, however, be told the results.

I’ve updated the information below my photo so you can see my current stats.  I have lost 11 lbs and 10 inches in the past month.  It’s kind of astounding, really.  After my slow start I wasn’t certain I’d ever achieve my goals, but after a month like this it becomes nearly possible to envision reaching those goals which is just an amazing feeling.

Yep, that’s all I have to say right now because I’m happy.  Short and simple!  Yay!

Weigh-In Day!

In just one short hour I will know the results of my official weigh-in at Curves!  Stay tuned!

Lesser of Two Evils

It’s been rolling around in my head for a while and I’m still not certain what I”m going to do about it but…..

I’m kind of tired of Curves.

I always figured it would happen.  I joined as a stepping stone; something to get me moving again after having gained so much weight and remaining inactive for so long.  It did that and then some.  Curves has motivated me to continue along my path, it has only ever been as difficult or challenging as I have wanted it to be.  I’ve pushed myself to do better and perform better and I’ve seen results in the form of actually being able to complete a Curves circuit, my muscles being more firm, and also the confidence such success has instilled in me.  It’s been great.  Unfortunately, I feel as though I’m outgrowing Curves.  It’s not as though I want to be some body builder, but the limitations of Curves are beginning to annoy me.  For starters, it’s not a “real” gym.  If I wanted to go do just cardio, I would be unable.  I currently have the dilemma of needing to take my running to my in-laws so I can use their treadmill…. this sort of thing just would happen if I attended a regular gym where they have treadmills.  Also, there is the stigma attached to Curves.  When you say the name, rarely does anyone go “wow, that’s neat.”  Instead they attempt to stop their eyes from rolling as they think whatever thoughts they have about Curves and the people who attend Curves.  Of course, let’s not forget that Curves is a 30 minute work out and I keep feeling as though I should really be at it for about 45 minutes and sure I could go around the circuit a third time but it’s not really set up like that.

So I’m sort of stumped.  Obviously I could attempt to get out of my contract and go to a regular gym, but those places aren’t exactly the mecca I’ve made them sound like.  I didn’t become overweight by loving to exercise and I’m a bit frightened I’ll just be plain lazy and slack off on my weight training if I rely upon a regular gym where I either need to hire a personal trainer or research my own sessions to make sure I hit every muscle.  I mean seriously, so I could go there and run… what would stop me from half-heartedly lifting weights for 15 minutes and then having a nice 30 minute jog?  Likely nothing…. and that’s the problem.

So what should it be?  Should I continue with Curves because it’s mindless and something I don’t need to think about?  Or should I move on to a regular gym where I will feel intimidated, and possibly become lazy?  What’s  better, the security of knowing I will work out for 30 minutes no matter how mundane the routine… or pushing myself to really want it badly enough that I move forward and take matters into my own hands, pumping up my workouts?

I’ve been stumped on this one for about a month now… and I’m not sure I’ll ever really have a good answer.

Doing Things I Couldn’t

Yesterday as I was doing my run for the C25k (a full 25 minutes, mind you), it occurred me to how much more physically fit I really am these days.  When I first started Curves, I made it once around the circuit and had to stop for fear of throwing up and now I’m considering going 3 times around on Saturdays (the only day I’d have the time to do so).  It’s really amazing.

Another progression:  I used to just walk inbetween the stations at Curves and now I’m able to jog in place the entire time.  I remember slowly jogging between stations, adding one or two here or there and always having to go back to walking after just a few… and now I raise my knees up a bit higher to get my heart pumping a bit more because otherwise it feels too easy.

I’m not sure how unreasonable my image of myself used to be but I’m beginning to realize it wasn’t all that accurate.  I had the idea in my head that I was decently fit.  I didn’t think I was in shape and I knew I didn’t have muscle strength, but I genuinely believed I could partake in nearly any physical activity if I really had an interest (so long as it wasn’t too hot or too humid or rough terrain – oh sure I had a million reasons why it would be too hard none of which were my weight and physical condition).

So far I haven’t leapt off any tall buildings and as of yet, I still am unable to fly like superman… but I can walk faster than I used to, I can walk up hills without thinking it’s difficult, I don’t sweat at the thought of 100 steps though it might wipe me out, and I’m beginning to want to do things I previously was scared to do.  It’s become very uplifting and I feel so… free.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  There are still a wide array of things I likely cannot do or would find extremely difficult… and I know this.  It’s the little things though and I’m oh so happy to be able to do the little things.  It’s worth waking up at 4:45 every morning and forcing myself to get moving.  It’s worth having to schedule and plan ahead so I can eat the right things at the right times.  It’s worth every bit of everything I’ve done for the past three months.

And I just keep thinking… if I feel like this now… what will I feel like when I am able to do something I always thought was impossible?

I’ll let you know when I get there.


Well, as suspected, I caved and took progress pictures.  It’s been 12 weeks anyway.  I don’t share these photos because I’m in a swim suit and well, that’s just rather embarrassing.  I don’t willingly go out in public in the darned thing so I won’t be willingly posting photos of myself in it either.  Right now, I THINK I can see a difference, but you know I’ll need an objective eye to tell for sure.  I can never see improvement.  I will say that, compared to the starting photos I have, I’ve made great progress so that makes me feel better.  I’ll send them to my sister as soon as she returns from white water rafting and see what she says.  Hopefully she’ll see improvement.  I’ve been working so hard and I’ve been on some sort of plateau for the past week.  No movement on the scale.  It’s frustrating after seeing so much movement in August, I guess I just sort of thought I’d keep up that pace, which would have been fantastic.  For the moment, I can only be diligent and continue to do what I’ve been doing and hope it doesn’t last much longer… and if it does, then I’ll re-evaluate what I’m doing and make some changes.

Next weekend is the official weigh-in and measurement, which as I’ve already mentioned, I’m terribly excited about.  I’m rather hoping I’ll feel good after this one and not defeated which has seemed to be the case.  It’s that defeated feeling which led me to begin weighing myself every day and man, I’m sort of hoping this plateau combined with a great weigh-in will convince me to step back off the scale.  Like I said, it’s so easy to get caught up in the wrong things.

I finally managed to go through all of the clothes I’ve had bagged up to give away to good will.  While not everything is something I’m terribly excited to wear, I have picked out some things I’m now able to wear.  It’s a fantastic feeling, especially when today I tried on some jeans which used to be just horribly tight on me and they fit just fine!  Yay!

I know I’ve been a bit lax on the blogging lately and I’ve gotten nearly intolerably uninteresting to boot but I promise I’ll write something with meaning again once I get inspired.  With work I just seem to have much less time to muse about my weight loss and efforts and so… all you get are update posts like this one.  I do have a post about Curves coming up sometime soonish… but otherwise… please bear with me!