It’s hard to do.

As I journey to a different, hopefully thinner, but definitely healthier me, I keep running into…. myself.

First, and foremost, I still want to shove food in my mouth.  Now granted, I never actually SHOVED food in my mouth and I didn’t walk around constantly eating… but… There are times, random times, when I find myself thinking man it would be nice to just grab a bag of chips and sit down in front of the computer again. The urge to do so is very compelling, I literally must talk myself out of it.  I have to convince myself that “one more time” is the opposite of good for me.

I also catch myself freaking out.  Things like… Cookies!  What about cookies!  What about cookie dough? I used to make cookies and eat about 10 of them in a day – and that’s a low estimate.  there is some inner part of me panicking about not being able to indulge… well no… not being able to over-indulge.  I’m left to wonder… what the heck am I holding on to?

The other thing.. I’m still scared of exercise.  I’m scared I can’t do it.  Every time I start a Curves work out I push down the fear that rises as I survey how much I have to do and I start focusing and telling myself I CAN do it.  The same thing happens as I head out the door to my Couch Potato to 5k session.  I begin to panic.  What if I can’t do it?  What if it’s too hard?  Again, I have to push it aside… and press forward.

It saddens me, really.  Here I am, eating right and exercising and my old desires and fears – who I used to be – are fighting against me.

I’ve been calling it my “fat mentality” and I’ve begun to realize breaking it is going to take time, patience and perseverance.

I can only say no to overeating one urge at a time.

I can only prove I can accomplish the exercise by plowing forward and doing it.

There is no magic formula, no pill, no mantra, no shortcut.  Breaking my fat mentality is going to take time and effort, but I must do it.

I can do it.

I will do it.